Spiritual awakenings

All photos are by Ailie Holland and are subject to copyright laws. Please do not share photos unless you give Ailie Holland, the photographer credit, thank you.

Taking in the beauty of the world helps me to feel fully alive. With my soul full of wonder at the delights all around us, I am better able to share my joy with everyone I meet on my travels. When I am traveling, strangers become fast friends.

In this way I have come to discover, that just by being ourselves and sharing our minds and hearts with anyone who cares to listen, we can be inspirational, just by being joyful and fearless.

Having said that, it’s also very fulfilling to share what we have learned on our life journeys with others. In the hopes that perhaps we might inspire one person. Or if one person finds some sort of comfort or joy in our artistic expressions that we share. That is a wonderful feeling.

Overcoming the daily pain with which my body suffers from inflammatory arthritis, makes living a little more difficult. Especially since I have an adventurous spirit who wants to travel the world, and climb, fly, and swim. But my body seems to often have other plans.

I started facing serious health problems when I was two years old and contracted giardia. My physical health was sort of a steady and slow decline from there. The medical health challenges in my life, like severe allergies, a tonsillectomy at a young age, the mumps at 12 and mono at 15, created a very weak immune system that was always under attack. My parents and I had no knowledge of probiotics at all, all of the food I ate was sterile. We didn’t know the yogurt we bought from the store had zero probiotics in it, because it was a dead food, as all of the food I ate was. Then I had seven tumors in my pancreas when I was 17, the surgeon removed my gallbladder and appendix for good measure, because no one had any idea why a 17 year old would have pancreatic tumors. And no one had any idea about what sort of diet I should be on, or what I should do. Because the doctors told me it was usually something a 70 year old dealt with, not a 17 year old. Then I had a six week stay at UCLA hospital due to very serious life threatening pancreas surgery.

All of this suffering of body and spirit has given me a different perspective on life from a young age.

You have to live while you can. And there can be joy found in simple pleasures like feeling moss under your feet, listening to a babbling brook, breathing in the fresh mountain air, the deep earthy power you can feel from your back resting against a huge Redwood tree, walking amongst the ancients, watching a meteor shower, feeling the foamy surf on your bare feet, a loved one giving you a genuine smile and warm hug.

I missed my college graduation ceremony and one month of my senior year of high school while I was recovering from serious surgeries. They kept me alive, but were very stressful for my parents. My mom died of Cancer, when she was 48 years old, only two years after my second surgery. I keep flashing back to my surgeon telling my mom and I that I had a fifty percent chance of surviving when I was 22. And then flash forward only a couple of years later and the surgeon at the University of Chicago hospital telling Dad and I that there was nothing else they could do for Mom, she would die soon. After so much wishing, hoping, praying and mom’s suffering.

It all was just …over. Watching her suffer in pain as she slowly died from the Cancer eating away at her body was pure torture for all of us, including her. She was in so much pain, and even though I wanted to keep her here forever, I had to let go. We all did. My father, her husband for 25 years was broken hearted and went diving into several severe bi-polar episodes. I had to check him into mental hospitals several times over the years that followed. Then he lived with Matt and I and our son Justus from the time I was pregnant until Justus was ten years old. Once Dad started spiraling out of control again (out of his own control I mean) drinking and not taking his bi-polar meds, he decided that drinking alcohol and his freedom to not be on his medication all the time was more important to him than living with us. So he chose that path, sadly.

I still have so much pain, grief, and regret, from saying goodbye to Mom. She was so young and it felt so unfair when she died. When I had my son six years later, I wanted so much for her to be around. To comfort me and get to know this delightful little person who lit up every day of my life. She loved babies and I felt so badly that I didn’t give her a grandchild while she was still alive. I felt like not only was she missing out by never having a grandchild. We were missing out by not being able to bask in her love and care. She had a great sense of humor that I know my son would appreciate, like we all did. My son was not to have a regular maternal side of the family, ‘grandparent’ experience because my mom was dead. He only has seen photos and heard stories, she isn’t truly real to him, and that pains me to no end.

After my mom died, I found out that she had a baby years before she married my dad, and she was forced to put her up for adoption, even though she didn’t want to. So I had a half sister out there, somewhere in the world. I was upset that she never told me. Was I not trust worthy? Did she think I would have loved her less? I would have shown her even more love and understanding than anyone. But I never got the chance to prove that.

Only two years ago, I was finally reunited with my half sister. After growing up as a lonely only child, I don’t know quite how to behave towards a sister. It’s a foreign concept to me, and I’m sure I’m not doing it right. I don’t know what having a sibling is like, so I’m sort of stumbling through in the dark trying to navigate a new relationship that I have no experience with. But we all try our best to be whatever we can. And true love and acceptance is there.

When I was 27, I created a spiritual documentary, that sadly was never fully produced. I learned so much from meeting and interviewing Gangaji, an American spiritual leader who wrote many books including “You Are THAT”. I was lucky enough to meet many interesting leaders in the New Age of spirituality field like Neale Donald Walsh and Marianne Williamson. But none of them were as influential to me as Gangaji was. Her words, her peaceful presence, her sense of knowing, really moved me. I haven’t always embodied the full spaciousness of peace that spiritually, “awake” people like Gangaji embody and offer to us, but I have moments of glimpsing that inner peace of mind and the incredible freedom it provides. Unlike every other person I interviewed, she wasn’t nervous at all. She didn’t have any frenetic energy. You know almost all of us have imposter syndrome ? When people become famous or successful, they often give off this sort of nervous, insecure energy, it’s barely perceptible. But for someone like me, an actress who has been studying people her whole life. It’s more obvious.

I am very empathetic, and I pick up on other people’s emotions and the energy they put out, even if they don’t realize they are doing it. There is a difference between someone trying to be peaceful and wise, and someone who actually is embodying peace and wisdom. It’s difficult to explain, but obvious to me when I’m around someone like this. Like entering a warm pool of water that feels like silk against your skin. There is so much air in the room for you both to breathe, there is calm, there is knowing.

That’s the way being in Gangaji’s house with her was, suddenly the nervous, frenetic energy of the producer slipped away, and was insignificant, somehow even the somewhat calm focus of our cameraman disappeared. It was just her, and she welcomed me into this state of true peace and calm that only a few people alive in the world seem to be able to create. It’s intoxicating for anyone who is a little nervous in life, or who picks up on the frenetic energy around her too well.

In my mid-twenties I began a serious spiritual journey, reading everything I could get my hands on. Most of the people who went to the church of Religious Science I attended for a year were over 40, some much older than that. I learned so much from the minister there and the mature congregation. I was starting my inner search and spiritual journey earlier than many people do because I didn’t know how many years I had left. Regarding my inner life and spiritual life, I was an early bloomer. In regards to choosing to be an author, I am very late to the party. But because of being only 24 to 29 when I read Tao de Ching, received the Tao in an elaborate ceremony, aligned my chakras, read the Upanishads, and was purposefully celibate for two years, in my mid-twenties, when many people my age were out partying, I was on a straight and narrow path towards enlightenment. I also read many other ancient spiritual manuscripts and magical books. Including working with the violet flame, which was empowering as well. I have more to share. My soul, mind, and journey are deeper than they may seem based on the simple fiction I write.

Freedom from fear or worry, freedom from sadness. A healthy detachment from all ties that bind and carry the burden of guilt and obligation, which are simply a made-up human social construct. Which are completely meaningless, and yet cause us so much stress. Those seem more attainable states of being when I’m traveling. Perhaps because I’m free of daily life hassles.

But somehow, when I’m traveling, everything comes into focus. The ability to let go of expectations and materialism seems easier and more important. Everything you need is in your hand, or on your back. People are kind and helpful. The ability to realize everyone is just trying to live their best life, and many times that involves a deep and real care for all of the people of the world. By appreciating the beauty of nature and villages far and wide, somehow everything that is important in life comes into focus.

Especially a true admiration and appreciation of our planet, of nature, the forests, hills, mountains, rivers, lakes, caves. Not just the wonders of nature that feel incredible. But also the perfection of a pine cone or a tiny alpine flower.

When you see your whole life in a moment, in the exhilaration that comes from experiencing new surroundings, you perspective shifts. Everything begins to sparkle and that is a truly awe inspiring experience.

For me, for whatever reason, these moments come easier when I am traveling the world. I experience true joy and can let go of attachments when I am taking in the whole world.

Perhaps for you, there are other paths to this incredible serenity, and I am so pleased for you, and in admiration.

Reading books by Thich Nhat Hanh is a great way for me to try to find and keep this peace of mind, in everyday life at home. Peace is Every Step is one of my favorite books for mindfulness.

I’ve always thought that it’s so interesting that I have learned so much and travelled down different spiritual paths that have been laid out by others, but there is always more to learn.

Sometimes learning something intellectually over and over again is very different from actually applying the knowledge to our every day lives. I have always bucked away from structure and schedules. I want to be free from constraint. But during the times of my life I have a regular yoga practice every day, or a regular meditation practice, I find that I am happier and healthier.

Having the goal to always implement a daily practice, whatever that may be, seems to be a way to center oneself in the divine presence. I feel that could manifest itself in different ways for different people. For many it’s simply a feeling, and you know when you are functioning within that flow of energy, or when you are blocked or not quite in sync with the universe.

Finding it, allowing it, and giving yourself to that moment, over and over again, every day, is so important for growth.

However, letting go of the incessant need to be better and better is also important. Allowing yourself days of freedom away from constant self-improvement is also an excellent way to discover deep peace within. By being nobody, going nowhere, with nothing you HAVE to do in order to be loved. You are already a good person, just by BEING. This is an oddly difficult lesson. To allow yourself to just BE. We still love all of the little bunnies, even though all they do is live. You are loveable in the same way, just by being yourself.

Maybe I sound cheesy, like Mister Rogers or someone. But being in a spiritually centered space always sounds simple, like a no brainer, until you actually try to focus on your breath, and let go of the constant chatter in your mind telling you what you should be doing or thinking. In order to succeed, in order to be a better version of yourself. Analyzing everything anyone has ever said, including yourself. We have to let it all go, and not by taking or drinking any mind altering substances. And not by completely vegging and losing ourselves in mindless sports or television. But by breathing into the actual present moment, and accepting all that is, and being truly okay with it. Even if it’s just for ten minutes a day. Which will hopefully turn into an hour a day, a day a week, a week a month, a month a year. And before you know you it, you ARE peace and love. You ARE in a moment of happiness without constantly striving for perfection.

WELCOME! You have arrived.